Snowballs

I've been watching the weather lately and been so glad I live in Florida!  Although my family said they got off easy in Albany, thank goodness.  The girls would love the snow - Devon for a short visit, Aubrey for a long one.  They always hope for snow when we go north and my family always hopes it's gone by the time we get there.  Last year was great - just enough snow one night (overnight) for the girls to make a snowman in the morning and then it was gone.

I feel like I've been in a blizzard - lots of snowballs forming and growing all around me....We've been going from one crisis to another lately....or it could be that autumn in 2004 when the hurricanes hit one after another with not a lot of time in between to regroup.  This is starting to feel like "normal" to me....and that can't be good!

I love when people tell me I'm a good mother, but I always wonder what makes them think so.  You can never know what's actually going on in someone else's life or home or family, so what makes them think I'm a good mother just from spending a few minutes with me or the girls?  I thank them, it's a wonderful compliment, and I hope it's true, but it frequently doesn't feel that way.  I guess most parents feel that way, don't they?  I worry so about the girls, a normal part of parenting, but worry more than most about Aubrey.  She just goes from crisis to crisis - sometimes only a crisis in her mind, but that still qualifies as a crisis in terms of how she's feeling and behaving and handling whatever is going on.  And she doesn't seem to learn much from her mistakes and bad choices - she repeats them far more often than you would expect a girl of above average intelligence to do.  And she is intelligent, there's no question about that.

Is she just looking for attention?  She does get a lot of attention, but maybe not enough of the kind of attention she needs.  I read The Five Love Languages of Children hoping it would help me figure out how to show Aubrey she is loved in the ways she needs to be shown, but it didn't.  I read it through and still could not tell you what her primary love language is.  You would think quality time, but even when you spend a lot of time with her it's not enough.  You'd think gifts, she's always asking for things, but even after getting gifts she's not satisfied.  Acts of service? Nope, it's always what have you done for me lately.....I try to do some of all in the hopes that the combination will be satisfying. Doesn't seem to be, though.

And heaven forbid I have actual bad news to tell her - I have no clue how to break bad news to her, when would be the right time, what are the right words. And I know I've failed her in this respect, since invariably I choose wrongly.  It doesn't help that she's entering her teen years and is in middle school.  There's not enough money in the world to pay me to go back and relive that time!  So we've got all sorts of things going on in our lives, with a lot revolving around an adolescent girl.  Yikes!

Devon is mostly good.  She does love to push Aubrey's buttons though, I'll give her that.  Mine and Ron's, too, but she really loves to get under Aubrey's skin.  I actually think they're starting to get along a little better - the not getting along times seem to be briefer and less volatile.  I would love for them to be close, and hope I live to see the day that the fighting stops and the appreciation for each other begins and sticks.

And I've finally come to accept the fact that the clutter in our house contributes to the stress level and have given Ron a directive - he is to ask me each day what item(s) I have thrown away or given away - and I have to be able to answer him with something - no nothings allowed!  Or we'll never pare down our possessions and get the house to a calmer place.  No huge epiphany but the gradual realization that all our stuff is just too much stuff.....maybe I've been watching too many episodes of Tiny House Nation or something, but the message has finally gotten through.  I can see how all of the clutter and stuff we have contributes to everyone's stress levels always being elevated.  Now I just need to carve out a chunk of time so I can get rid of enough stuff in one fell swoop that I can feel and see a difference.  I think once I get started on this and can feel and see the change I'll be more able to keep it up.  And then I can invite friends over and have a place for them to sit, to eat, to relax.  I think this will be a good thing for all of us, too, since it will help teach the girls to not be so pack-rat-ty also.

So, my goal is to reduce the amount and size of the snowballs in my life.....think I can do it?

Busy busy

So, it's been a few weeks and I'm back on my meds and feeling MUCH better now.  I still have some of those feelings and resentments, but I can handle them better and I'm not always feeling so angry. Life is good.

It's quiet tonight.  Aubrey has a friend sleeping over but they're out walking around the neighborhood. Devon, after two nights of her "twin" sleeping here, is spending the night at her twin's house.  Aubrey will like that - no little sister pestering her and her friend.

Wednesday Aubrey goes to spend a few days with her birth-mother, Roze, and one of her brothers (Aubrey's, not Roze's).  She is really excited.  My main concern is who is going to take care of Aubrey's menagerie.  The dog and cats I have covered, but not the chickens and the geckos and chameleon.  I actually like the chameleon, but I think it's a bit more work to take care of then her geckos...she's trying to talk Devon into doing it.  We'll see -- and even if she does, Devon's only 8, it'll still be me and Ron doing the bulk of it, I'm sure.  Yuck.

It'll be good for Aubrey to get away for a few days.  I'm thrilled she's going to get to spend a decent amount of time with her brother, Danny.  She's always loved seeing him and wants to have a closer relationship with him.  Hopefully, the time they have together will have smooth sailing with no hiccups.  She's had a tough time lately and has started having anxiety attacks - no fun for anyone! Plus she doesn't usually believe us when we tell her it's an anxiety attack she's having.  She hasn't felt well for more than a day at a time for a few weeks now, and the doctors feel it's primarily anxiety causing it.  She has had a lot of stressful things happen recently, and now we need to find a way to help her acknowledge and deal with stress - no way you can live a life without stress at various points!

That's something that I struggle with as well....lots of stressors and how do I cope with them?  I've really been trying to be more aware of my tone of voice with the girls and my reactions to their behavior, both good and bad :)  Aside from me being the world's meanest mom, who Devon hates every other day or so, I really think I've been doing pretty well.  And Devon is figuring things out, too.  Her nature has always been to test the limits, and I doubt that will ever change.  Her struggle is figuring out when to stop before she hits a consequence that is beyond the price she's willing to pay.  If you've ever seen the movie Jurassic Park, you'll understand what I mean when I say that Devon is a velociraptor.  I haven't figured out what kind of dinosaur Aubrey is yet.  Which one is the most social?

The last few weeks have been really busy, both at work and at home.  It's so rare to have quiet time to just sit and relax and not have a million things to do or the girls pulling at me.  I do have stuff to do, but it's not anything I can be doing now so I don't have to feel like there are things I should be doing instead of finally getting a chance to relax and write my blog.....almost sounds like I'm rationalizing, doesn't it?  There are things I need to organize and calls to make, but it's too late on a Saturday night to be able to do any of them - yea!!!

Honestly, the hardest thing about the past few weeks has been to resist all the junk food and candy I've received as gifts!  I did break down tonight and eat some Harry & David caramel corn - I just love it!  But the rest I'm trying to give away - nobody in this house really needs it, and we've all been snacking way too much.  I've worked too hard, and sacrificed too much, to undo it for a piece (or two or four) of candy - and I want the rest of my family to be right there with me being healthier in the future.  After all, Devon is the only one of us who couldn't stand to lose some weight...and she's the one who is most watchful of what everyone is eating - and she's my special gatekeeper, always asking if I can have something, is it allowed?  Everyone needs a little help, right?  I'm very grateful for the support of my friends and family - and a big Bronx cheer to everyone who gave me candy and cookies etc for the holidays!!!

Reflections

I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror.  And when it's the mirror my daughters hold up to me I positively hate it.  Positively.  Now that's an ironic choice of words considering that everything seems to be so negative around me these days.  My daughters certainly see it and worse yet feel it. Aubrey told me she misses her mommy and wants her back.

And I feel helpless to change it - although I promised I'll talk to my doctor about seeing if there's a medication or something I can take that will make me less hateful.  And that's how I feel .... hateful ... Full of hate.  And anger.  And resentment, partly at feeling that way.

I hate the way we live.  That our house is cluttered and messy and not just a little, but overwhelmingly so. I hate that I hold onto things and have trouble letting go.  I hate that I drive a beat up minivan that I can't afford to get stupid annoyances fixed on.  And Ron's car is even worse - I didn't like the car when it was new and pristine and now that it's old and broken in weird ways it's even worse.  I hate that I'm not excited to get up and go to work in the morning (I know, most people feel that way.). I've never found that passion that could be translated into a viable career and so I go to work to pay bills but I hate that it is not fulfilling in so many ways.  I hate that I don't know how to make small talk, and put work first and don't make friends easily.  I hate feeling like I'm out of the loop and don't know what's going on. I hate feeling like I'm being used or taken advantage of and getting blindsided.  I hate that I let my fears rule me and stop me from doing things that I want to do.  I hate that I am not the person I want to be and I hate that I'm too damn fearful and lazy for lack of a better word to do anything about changing that.

Hateful.....it's exactly the right word for how I'm feelng these days.  And the thing I hate the most is the effect it's having on my daughters, the two people I love most in the world.  They complain that I'm mean.  I am mean these days, too.  I hate that they don't listen or follow the few rules we have in the house.  It makes me see red and I become this possessed crazed banshee that I don't even recognize.  The Tasmanian Devil gets loose and all hell breaks out and continues until I crash and then the crazed fog clears and I see what I've done and I hate it!  HATE HATE HATE

And I'm so resentful these days, too.  I guess the two go hand in hand.  It's not like I feel anybody owes me anything, but I resent so many things so much.  Even when it's things that happened because of choices I made.  Like why does it have to always be me that decides what we have for dinner? Makes the dinner?  Does the grocery shopping?  Clears the table so we can eat on it (yes, I know, a lot of the pile on the table was my creation because I have difficulty throwing things away, but not all of it is mine!)  Why do I have to stay until 5 at work everyday - to the minute - when co-workers cut out a few minutes early here and there and no one says a word. Or barring that, it would be nice to even occasionally not be the one who stays until 5, epecially on Fridays.  I got the late shift being the new person, but always assumed that when someone else was hired there would be the possibiity of changing hours - not the way it happened (I know, it's that word "assume"). ...Why is it that gift cards and money received for birthday gifts for anyone but me gets to be spent on fun stuff but my gifts are expected to be used for "useful" things, things we need, not something just for me.

I hate the feeling that I have no control over my life.  That I have to just keep doing what I'm doing so that the bills get paid and food gets bought and I keep my job because it enables the bills to get paid and the food to get bought.  I hate that I feel stuck.  That I have no options.   That I am and always will be the odd man out, low man on the totem pole and just get what no one else wants.   I hate having lots of bosses, people who have more control over my life than I do, who, when push comes to shove, actually have control over whether I keep my job, my home, my family even, or not.  Even when I volunteer somewhere I have bosses.  And believe me, some bosses are a lot better than others! (I actually have an awesome boss at work right now - he's one of the best things about my current job.)

How did I create these expectations and how do I change them without being "mean"?  How do I stop resenting so much of how I am living my life, wasting my life?  I would love to take a sabbatical. Not just from work but from everything.  Go to a spa or a retreat or someplace where I could figure out how to fix my life.  I'd love to go to a language immersion program and come out fluent in another language.  Audit classes just because they sound interesting - but not have to do any homework,  I've done enough homework, thank you!  Do a volunteer trip somewhere.  Something out of my routine and different enough to shake things up and point me in the direction I need to be moving.

But it all comes down to choices.  How far back do you have to look to figure out how you wound up where you are today?  Although looking back doesn't get you anywhere.  It's looking forward that keeps you moving ahead.  I need to figure out what I can change today to get me to where I want to be tomorrow, and the next day, and next week and next year.  I have a lot of thinking to do.

Where are the young women?

me in St Louis for a recent work trip

I'm in that weird age between young and old.  I have children the same age as women decades younger than me, and I have peers my own age who have grandchildren, some older than my children!  I straddle two different worlds.  Other worlds get straddled, too.  I work full time outside of the home while many women my age are starting to look towards stopping working.  I joke that I'll never retire, my younger daughter graduates high school when I turn 65 - and instead of of planning my retirement, I'm looking at college tuition (times two).  And it makes me crazy when my daughters' friends think I'm their grandmother -- do I look that old?!)

When I was a young woman, particularly before I had kids, I thought that Sisterhood* was a bunch of old women who sat around planning stuff for old women.  I still think of myself as a (relatively) young woman, probably largely because I have young(ish) children, but I now look at Sisterhood differently.  Those of you in your twenties and thirties truly are young woman.  And I think you'd be surprised at how much we have in common - paticularly those of you who are mothers.

When I looked at what I wanted from my synagogue, first I didn't even consider getting involved with Sisterhood.  After all, I have young children, why would I want to get involved in an organization of old women? Plus, no matter what my actual age is, I still think of myself as a young woman, one with young kids.   I bcame involved in the religious school and social activities for the youth at the synagogue. While rewarding, though, something was missing.  Helping to plan activities for the kids was fun, but there had to be more.  Almost by accident, I attended a Sisterhood event.  I didn't go because it was Sisterhood, I went because the program appealed to me. Isn't that really why you should go to any event, because it looks interesting?  And yes, many of the women there were older women....but the program could easily have included young women - and it should have.  The topic was timely, the snacks were delicious, the conversation lively and interesting.  So why didn't it?
Why do young women still see Sisterhood as a group of old women?  Even when they come to a program, it is not with the intent of continuing an association with the group - it's almost a "one off"...as if Sisterhood's having an interesting program was a fluke.  What would entice these young women to actually join Sisterhood, to become leaders?

at Feeding Children Everywhere

Do we need to do more family programming, things that would include childen?  What are the interests of these women, not all of whom are mothers, or married, some of whom work outside the home, some of whom don't?  No one program will appeal to everyone, but what should we be adding to what we currently do to appeal and make this missing group notice Sisterhood and want to get involved?

at Second Harvest - we sorted a LOT of potatoes!

One of the reasons I am so involved is to be a role model for my children.  I want them to see me involved and actively participating in the community, in as organization that helps people.  I want them to see the rewards of involvement and commitment - the internal rewards, gratification for doing something that is for others, not myself.  I don't even mind if they see the selfish rewards, how good I feel for participating in something bigger than just myself and my family.  I want to get them involved when I can so that they can start to feel the rewards that come from being part of the community and contributing to something bigger than themselves and our family.  Do they get it yet? Maybe.

the girls learn helping can be fun

So, back to Sisterhood and young women.  Despite the fact that I was almost the youngest person at that first program by many (and I mean many) years, I was hooked.  Maybe I'm too old to connect with the young women and figure out what they would want from Sisterhood.  Like I said, I feel young, but I know intellectually I'm not. On the other hand, maybe we'll do enough programs, have enough events that appeal to this younger audience that they'll see the benefit of belonging and want to get in on the planning of more programs.  Sisterhood should be reflective of our community, not be just a bunch of older women (sorry, no insult intended!) planning activities that we are interested in and just hoping will appeal to a broader group.

* Sisterhood is the women's group at our synagogue and is an affiliate of Women’s League for Conservative Judaism, the network for all women who support our mission of enhancing Jewish knowledge, engaging in Jewish life, expanding communal involvement, and supporting klal Yisrael.  

Golden

It's been so long since I've written I don't even know where to start.

Do I start with my frustrations from work or from home or from specific incidents that have happened?  Do I talk about my worries about my daughters, finances, animals, me?  Or just focus on the good things that have been going on and ignore the not-so-good?

I do know that I really and truly hate it when people tell me to "just let go of it" if I'm stressed about something.  So easy to say and I probably should in some instances let go quicker than I do, but I believe it is okay to get mad about stuff - even healthy sometimes.  And sometimes you have to work though why you were mad, were you over-reacting or was your reaction justified?  After I've done all that, then I can let go of the mad and move on.  Fortunately, it doesn't usually take me very long to go though the whole process.....the mad goes away, although I do retain hurt a while.

And there have been a bunch of things lately that have made me crazy angry...and I still feel a bit of a residual resentment floating around inside.  And I think for some of this I may have the remnants for a long time, but I do think I've moved on and the relationships are intact, at least as much as they need to be.

Do you ever feel like your feelings don't matter and other people do whatever the hell they feel like and the world says that's okay, they're the golden people who can do no wrong and so you just have to grin and bear it?  I've felt that way since the fourth grade....and I can give specific instances from the fifth grade on that prove there are two kinds of people in the world - those who can do whatever they want, right or wrong, and not only get away with it but get rewarded for it, and the rest of us, who have to actually do the work and take the consequences for what we do if it doesn't work out perfectly. It's a sad fact of life I learned young and keep getting reminded of.

I've never been in the other group, so I can't tell you for sure what it feels like to be one of the golden people.  I imagine it's....well, a non-issue.  I imagine that these people don't even know that they get away with things.  My belief is that they go through life happily oblivious to the fact that not everyone gets away with the stuff they do, that they get special treatment at all - and that they would deny it if told about it.  They're probably blissfully unaware that they're getting away with anything, they're just so used to doing what they want, it's standard practice, just the way things are.  And it's a sad fact of life that this is not going to change.

I can live with this for me.  Ron is used to my ranting, I mean venting, about stuff and life just goes on.  But I really resent it for the next generation.  It's the mama bear in me coming out.  I was never petite and cute and sweet and perky and golden.  But I resent when my daughters have to deal with the same garbage, and I don't know how to help them when these situations come up.  No, life is not fair. If you know how to explain that to a seven year old, please give me a call.

So, I'll get up tomorrow and go work and hope for the best for my day, for my daughters' days, for my husband's day.....and deal with whatever gets thrown our way, hoping it's not too much for any one person to handle until we get home and can deal with it as a family - where everyone is a golden person and gets a chance to be the one who gets away with stuff, if only for a minute.

What Kind of Mad's in Your Wallet?

So, what I really want to know is....when you're angry, do you [1] say what you really mean because your impulse control is gone or [2] make something up in the heat of the moment that's hurtful?  I don't mean YOU, it's somewhat rhetorical.  The first gets my vote, but I'm not sure.  I think I say what I've been thinking and wanting to say but haven't had the nerve...or heart.  But I still try to not be mean or overly hurtful.  I don't think others are the same way.  And words linger forever in your mind.  I've been trying to teach the girls that - you can't un-say something.  I can't say mad long, one of my better traits, I think, but I do  stay hurt long...and I keep hearing the words said in anger over and over in my head.  And venting doesn't help.  The words are still there, chiseled into the rock of my brain.  I may not even remember what set the whole situation in motion, but the words repeat ad infinitum.

My mother would be silent when she got mad.  She always said it was better to be silent than to say something that you would later regret and be unable to take back.  So true, but not my style.  I actually don't think I know anyone else who does that.  And she did is most of the time - probably learned the hard way and chose that route.  I try to follow that rule with my daughters - to not say anything if I can help it.  They interpret things so often in ways that were other than the way it was intended - especially when they are upset.  They, however, have no difficulty saying whatever comes into their mind whenever it comes into their mind and don't understand why sometimes that may not be the best thing to do.  And they go out of their way to be hurtful - they know just what buttons to push, what words to use to inflict maximum distress.  And then, later, when they are calm, sometimes we'll get an "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it." like that's going to make everything all better and all the hurt go away and all the feelings be unhurt.  I've always taught them that they don't have to accept an apology when it is given - they have to acknowledge it, but they don't have to accept it if they feel it is not sincere or if it is not sufficient to make amends.  And they love to say "apology not accepted" especially to each other. Heaven forbid that someone else should say it to them, though.   They get totally bent out of shape and then they get mad (again) and off we go!

So we didn't get angry with Aubrey when she smashed the screen on her phone (it was an accident and she was upset).  Nor did we go out and replace the screen or phone.  She had to live with it broken and make do. And we didn't get made when she forgot the phone was in her pocket and jumped into the swimming pool.  We just gave her a bin of rice and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, the total submersion of the phone was too much for it and it completely died after its dunk.  But we still didn't rush out and get her a new phone.  Who decided that kids need phones, anyway?  I mean, we all lived without cell phones for ages, right?  And Ron and I held off on getting smartphones until I, I mean we, couldn't stand it anymore.  And Aubrey had to have a phone.  I admit, I agreed and wanted to get her a phone before she went to NYC for 10 days last year.  And she did pretty well taking care of it for a while, too.  Recently, she's been using mine when I let her....more than I really like, but what can I say?   I'm a pushover for my girl.  We did finally get Ron to agree to order her a replacement phone which should be here in a few days. Before we give it to her, we want to go over what we can limit on it.  Also, I need to remember to turn in all the BYOD forms for school.  That's Bring-Your-Own-Device for those of you who don't have kids in Florida public schools.  They've gotten big on BYOD - in fact, Devon's teacher wants the kids in her class to have them, too.  Not happening!  I'm thinking of adding insurance to this phone, though.  Wonder how much that costs?

I love it when the girls say "but it's only $70 (or however much it might be)".  Devon, being 7, thinks we can just go to the bank/ATM and put in our card and get money out.  There's nothing else involved - you have a card, you get money.  I wish!  I've tried explaining how it works to her but I think she is just stubbornly refusing to believe me.  She's certainly smart enough to understand.  After all, she (occasionally) works to earn a little extra money.  It's not so different for Ron and me.  Aubrey, on the other hand, just thinks that we should just keep shelling out to get her whatever she wants whenever she wants it with no thought whatsoever as to how it's going to be paid for - we'll pay for it.  And she definitely is old enough to understand how things work in life.  I'm not sure where she got this entitled attitude from, like we owe her and owe it to her to get her everything she wants or thinks she needs. I've tried to explain, at times, just how long I have to work, or Ron has to work, to pay for something that she just have to have that is really a want not a need. And I know that sometimes these hard decision we make don't seem to her like they were hard at all for us.  That we made the decisions lightly without consideration for her feelings, but that is never the case.  But she has somehow never grasped the concept that she is a child and I am an adult and I pay the bills for the house, the car, the food, the extras, and I get to decide what those things are.  Where we live, what groceries I buy, what the extras, if there are any, are going to be.  And there are plenty of these decisions that I agonize over because I know they girls are not going to be happy with the decision.... but I need to go with the big picture when making decisions, and not always what is going to make the girls happy for this fleeting moment.

And so, I go to work to get away from the stress of children who do not appreciate what they have (not gratitude, but appreciation and recognition).  So I do not want stress at work.  I do not want infantile tantrums.  I do not want snide comments.  I want an appreciation for what I do - and if I am not doing it to someones's satisfaction I want them to tell me in a calm, rational manner.  And I need the people around me to realize I work for a lot of people, and that each of those people has their own priorities and I need to juggle all of those.  And I need them to trust me to be able to determine my priorities in melding all of the wants and needs of everyone concerned.  It's like the kids in school say - I have 7 teachers giving me homework and each teacher thinks they're the only one and the most important one.  So, leave me alone and everything will get done by its deadline and everyone will be happy...at work at least.  And then I can get back to home being the only stress in my life.

So, Aubrey should be happy for a little while since she's getting another phone.  Her reptile business seems to be doing well and expanding.  She's part of a new dog-training 4H club that is getting started with some friends.  And even school seems to be doing okay - she doesn't have as much homework as we were expecting, which we're concerned about, but time will tell if this is truly the case.  Devon is Devon, mostly happy but with bouts of "I'm not talking to you"s mixed in. Spent the day with a friend and at dinnertime announced that she hates her.  Ah, to be seven! They'll be buddies again in a day or two.  Seems like there's always someone making her mad these days.  Fortunately, she's like me and doesn't stay mad long.  Half the time, she doesn't even remember being mad!

I guess that's a good way to be.  If you don't remember being made you can't hold a grudge, right?

Words, or the lack thereof, can hurt

If I died tomorrow, I would forever be the voice in my daughters' heads telling them all the things they did that weren't good enough or done right or had still to do.  That stops now.  I want to be the voice they hear in their heads telling them how well they've done, how proud I am, how much they are loved. And that is what I promised Aubrey tonight, as she lay crying in bed after telling me I never tell her I'm proud of her.  Not completely true, but close enough to hurt.

Is that how I was raised?  I don't recall my parents telling me they were proud of me that much....I went through life pretty much just knowing general expectations and either meeting them or not, but not hearing much either way. But Aubrey, and probably Devon, too, needs more.  Maybe I needed more, I don't know.  Aubrey knows the expectations, but she needs to hear when she meets them, when she exceeds them.  And I vow to do a better job telling her.  Not that I am going to try to do a better job - that I am going to do a better job.

Last year, Ron and I read a book called The Five Love Languages.  If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.  It talks about how each of us has a primary method (or "language") for feeling that we are loved, and it discusses the five languages and then gives you a little test to help you determine your primary and secondary love languages.  Anyhow, there is a version for kids that we read, because we have felt for a while that Aubrey doesn't really feel how much she is loved.  It's a different thing to know something intellectually than to feel it.  If the book could help us figure out her primary love language, we were all in favor of anything that would help us let her know how we feel about her.  I read it and was no closer to an answer.  And kids' love languages can change as they age, so that was no help.  Tonight, I finally know definitively that Aubrey's primary language is "words of affirmation". It's my second primary language, so I definitely understand the need.  But can you imagine how hard it must have been, and how much this must hurt, for her to tell me that I never tell her I'm proud of her and that I've seen positive changes in her behavior?  My heart broke.  What have I done to this child I love so much?

I promise to be better.   I need to tell her not just that I love her but that she does make me proud.  And not only for big things, but for the little things she does and is as well.  It's easy to brag about stuff to other people, why is it so hard to tell the person herself?  Aubrey is helping me become a better person. Isn't it the least I could do to reciprocate and to let her know that she is a good person and that I am proud of her, that she actually does lots of things right?

Why is it that we lavish praise on kids when they're little and just doing what comes naturally and then we stop when they get a little older and really need it?  Oh, what a great job, you took a step! You ate your food!  You played with a toy!  And then all of a sudden we stop praising them for every little thing...is it school age?  is it parenting magazines?  Just when they probably really start to need to hear it, when things are finally starting to be a little more challenging for them. Isn't this the time we should really be letting them know that we are so very proud of what they are doing?  When it's not the things that come naturally, it's everything else in life that they're learning and doing?

You know, we've always complained that she doesn't appreciate the things we do for her.  When I think about the examples in the book, I now can understand that we were doing things that we thought showed her how much we love her, but it wasn't a language she understood.  So we would get annoyed at what seemed like a lack of appreciation and felt like it was never enough, no matter what we did, when really, it wasn't enough - not for Aubrey.  It wasn't enough because the message wasn't coming though in a way she understood.  Yes, a lot of what we did she appreciated for what it was, but she didn't see that it was our way of telling her we were proud of her, that we loved her.  To her, it was just stuff we did for or with her.  She needs the words, to hear the actual words, to know how we feel, that she's important, that we are noticing the little changes and efforts she is making.  And we need to be doubly aware that withholding the words hurts her....it's not just not telling her these things, it's actually telling her the opposite message. When we don't tell her we notice what she is doing and pleased or proud, she takes that as we're not seeing her efforts and we're not proud of her.  Certainly never the message we intended!

So, starting tomorrow, I vow to let her know - in actual words - that I am proud of her for getting herself up and to school on time (Ron and I are already at work when she gets up in the morning for school). That I have noticed and am proud of her for changing her snack habits and not eating the entire snack bin in one fell swoop when she gets home from school.  That she's been wearing her bike helmet each day when riding to school.  For starting to care what she looks like when she goes out. For actually trying on clothes before we buy them so we know it fits and she has clothes she likes to wear. For practicing her haftorah and the blessings when I know from personal experience it's not fun and it feels like there's lots of time to learn it all!  That she loves animals so much and wants to rescue them all. That, much as it's a pain, I love that she can make coherent, logical arguments for what she wants after we've told her no to try to get us to change our decisions.  For so many things.

But mostly, for being Aubrey, whom I love more than life itself, and who is teaching me how to be a better person.  Whose presence in my life is a gift for which I am thankful daily, and who I am always proud to claim as my daughter.