And I feel helpless to change it - although I promised I'll talk to my doctor about seeing if there's a medication or something I can take that will make me less hateful. And that's how I feel .... hateful ... Full of hate. And anger. And resentment, partly at feeling that way.
I hate the way we live. That our house is cluttered and messy and not just a little, but overwhelmingly so. I hate that I hold onto things and have trouble letting go. I hate that I drive a beat up minivan that I can't afford to get stupid annoyances fixed on. And Ron's car is even worse - I didn't like the car when it was new and pristine and now that it's old and broken in weird ways it's even worse. I hate that I'm not excited to get up and go to work in the morning (I know, most people feel that way.). I've never found that passion that could be translated into a viable career and so I go to work to pay bills but I hate that it is not fulfilling in so many ways. I hate that I don't know how to make small talk, and put work first and don't make friends easily. I hate feeling like I'm out of the loop and don't know what's going on. I hate feeling like I'm being used or taken advantage of and getting blindsided. I hate that I let my fears rule me and stop me from doing things that I want to do. I hate that I am not the person I want to be and I hate that I'm too damn fearful and lazy for lack of a better word to do anything about changing that.
Hateful.....it's exactly the right word for how I'm feelng these days. And the thing I hate the most is the effect it's having on my daughters, the two people I love most in the world. They complain that I'm mean. I am mean these days, too. I hate that they don't listen or follow the few rules we have in the house. It makes me see red and I become this possessed crazed banshee that I don't even recognize. The Tasmanian Devil gets loose and all hell breaks out and continues until I crash and then the crazed fog clears and I see what I've done and I hate it! HATE HATE HATE
And I'm so resentful these days, too. I guess the two go hand in hand. It's not like I feel anybody owes me anything, but I resent so many things so much. Even when it's things that happened because of choices I made. Like why does it have to always be me that decides what we have for dinner? Makes the dinner? Does the grocery shopping? Clears the table so we can eat on it (yes, I know, a lot of the pile on the table was my creation because I have difficulty throwing things away, but not all of it is mine!) Why do I have to stay until 5 at work everyday - to the minute - when co-workers cut out a few minutes early here and there and no one says a word. Or barring that, it would be nice to even occasionally not be the one who stays until 5, epecially on Fridays. I got the late shift being the new person, but always assumed that when someone else was hired there would be the possibiity of changing hours - not the way it happened (I know, it's that word "assume"). ...Why is it that gift cards and money received for birthday gifts for anyone but me gets to be spent on fun stuff but my gifts are expected to be used for "useful" things, things we need, not something just for me.
I hate the feeling that I have no control over my life. That I have to just keep doing what I'm doing so that the bills get paid and food gets bought and I keep my job because it enables the bills to get paid and the food to get bought. I hate that I feel stuck. That I have no options. That I am and always will be the odd man out, low man on the totem pole and just get what no one else wants. I hate having lots of bosses, people who have more control over my life than I do, who, when push comes to shove, actually have control over whether I keep my job, my home, my family even, or not. Even when I volunteer somewhere I have bosses. And believe me, some bosses are a lot better than others! (I actually have an awesome boss at work right now - he's one of the best things about my current job.)
How did I create these expectations and how do I change them without being "mean"? How do I stop resenting so much of how I am living my life, wasting my life? I would love to take a sabbatical. Not just from work but from everything. Go to a spa or a retreat or someplace where I could figure out how to fix my life. I'd love to go to a language immersion program and come out fluent in another language. Audit classes just because they sound interesting - but not have to do any homework, I've done enough homework, thank you! Do a volunteer trip somewhere. Something out of my routine and different enough to shake things up and point me in the direction I need to be moving.
But it all comes down to choices. How far back do you have to look to figure out how you wound up where you are today? Although looking back doesn't get you anywhere. It's looking forward that keeps you moving ahead. I need to figure out what I can change today to get me to where I want to be tomorrow, and the next day, and next week and next year. I have a lot of thinking to do.
