I've been watching the weather lately and been so glad I live in Florida! Although my family said they got off easy in Albany, thank goodness. The girls would love the snow - Devon for a short visit, Aubrey for a long one. They always hope for snow when we go north and my family always hopes it's gone by the time we get there. Last year was great - just enough snow one night (overnight) for the girls to make a snowman in the morning and then it was gone. I feel like I've been in a blizzard - lots of snowballs forming and growing all around me....We've been going from one crisis to another lately....or it could be that autumn in 2004 when the hurricanes hit one after another with not a lot of time in between to regroup. This is starting to feel like "normal" to me....and that can't be good!
I love when people tell me I'm a good mother, but I always wonder what makes them think so. You can never know what's actually going on in someone else's life or home or family, so what makes them think I'm a good mother just from spending a few minutes with me or the girls? I thank them, it's a wonderful compliment, and I hope it's true, but it frequently doesn't feel that way. I guess most parents feel that way, don't they? I worry so about the girls, a normal part of parenting, but worry more than most about Aubrey. She just goes from crisis to crisis - sometimes only a crisis in her mind, but that still qualifies as a crisis in terms of how she's feeling and behaving and handling whatever is going on. And she doesn't seem to learn much from her mistakes and bad choices - she repeats them far more often than you would expect a girl of above average intelligence to do. And she is intelligent, there's no question about that.
Is she just looking for attention? She does get a lot of attention, but maybe not enough of the kind of attention she needs. I read The Five Love Languages of Children hoping it would help me figure out how to show Aubrey she is loved in the ways she needs to be shown, but it didn't. I read it through and still could not tell you what her primary love language is. You would think quality time, but even when you spend a lot of time with her it's not enough. You'd think gifts, she's always asking for things, but even after getting gifts she's not satisfied. Acts of service? Nope, it's always what have you done for me lately.....I try to do some of all in the hopes that the combination will be satisfying. Doesn't seem to be, though.
And heaven forbid I have actual bad news to tell her - I have no clue how to break bad news to her, when would be the right time, what are the right words. And I know I've failed her in this respect, since invariably I choose wrongly. It doesn't help that she's entering her teen years and is in middle school. There's not enough money in the world to pay me to go back and relive that time! So we've got all sorts of things going on in our lives, with a lot revolving around an adolescent girl. Yikes!
Devon is mostly good. She does love to push Aubrey's buttons though, I'll give her that. Mine and Ron's, too, but she really loves to get under Aubrey's skin. I actually think they're starting to get along a little better - the not getting along times seem to be briefer and less volatile. I would love for them to be close, and hope I live to see the day that the fighting stops and the appreciation for each other begins and sticks.
And I've finally come to accept the fact that the clutter in our house contributes to the stress level and have given Ron a directive - he is to ask me each day what item(s) I have thrown away or given away - and I have to be able to answer him with something - no nothings allowed! Or we'll never pare down our possessions and get the house to a calmer place. No huge epiphany but the gradual realization that all our stuff is just too much stuff.....maybe I've been watching too many episodes of Tiny House Nation or something, but the message has finally gotten through. I can see how all of the clutter and stuff we have contributes to everyone's stress levels always being elevated. Now I just need to carve out a chunk of time so I can get rid of enough stuff in one fell swoop that I can feel and see a difference. I think once I get started on this and can feel and see the change I'll be more able to keep it up. And then I can invite friends over and have a place for them to sit, to eat, to relax. I think this will be a good thing for all of us, too, since it will help teach the girls to not be so pack-rat-ty also.
So, my goal is to reduce the amount and size of the snowballs in my life.....think I can do it?
