Where are the young women?

me in St Louis for a recent work trip

I'm in that weird age between young and old.  I have children the same age as women decades younger than me, and I have peers my own age who have grandchildren, some older than my children!  I straddle two different worlds.  Other worlds get straddled, too.  I work full time outside of the home while many women my age are starting to look towards stopping working.  I joke that I'll never retire, my younger daughter graduates high school when I turn 65 - and instead of of planning my retirement, I'm looking at college tuition (times two).  And it makes me crazy when my daughters' friends think I'm their grandmother -- do I look that old?!)

When I was a young woman, particularly before I had kids, I thought that Sisterhood* was a bunch of old women who sat around planning stuff for old women.  I still think of myself as a (relatively) young woman, probably largely because I have young(ish) children, but I now look at Sisterhood differently.  Those of you in your twenties and thirties truly are young woman.  And I think you'd be surprised at how much we have in common - paticularly those of you who are mothers.

When I looked at what I wanted from my synagogue, first I didn't even consider getting involved with Sisterhood.  After all, I have young children, why would I want to get involved in an organization of old women? Plus, no matter what my actual age is, I still think of myself as a young woman, one with young kids.   I bcame involved in the religious school and social activities for the youth at the synagogue. While rewarding, though, something was missing.  Helping to plan activities for the kids was fun, but there had to be more.  Almost by accident, I attended a Sisterhood event.  I didn't go because it was Sisterhood, I went because the program appealed to me. Isn't that really why you should go to any event, because it looks interesting?  And yes, many of the women there were older women....but the program could easily have included young women - and it should have.  The topic was timely, the snacks were delicious, the conversation lively and interesting.  So why didn't it?
Why do young women still see Sisterhood as a group of old women?  Even when they come to a program, it is not with the intent of continuing an association with the group - it's almost a "one off"...as if Sisterhood's having an interesting program was a fluke.  What would entice these young women to actually join Sisterhood, to become leaders?

at Feeding Children Everywhere

Do we need to do more family programming, things that would include childen?  What are the interests of these women, not all of whom are mothers, or married, some of whom work outside the home, some of whom don't?  No one program will appeal to everyone, but what should we be adding to what we currently do to appeal and make this missing group notice Sisterhood and want to get involved?

at Second Harvest - we sorted a LOT of potatoes!

One of the reasons I am so involved is to be a role model for my children.  I want them to see me involved and actively participating in the community, in as organization that helps people.  I want them to see the rewards of involvement and commitment - the internal rewards, gratification for doing something that is for others, not myself.  I don't even mind if they see the selfish rewards, how good I feel for participating in something bigger than just myself and my family.  I want to get them involved when I can so that they can start to feel the rewards that come from being part of the community and contributing to something bigger than themselves and our family.  Do they get it yet? Maybe.

the girls learn helping can be fun

So, back to Sisterhood and young women.  Despite the fact that I was almost the youngest person at that first program by many (and I mean many) years, I was hooked.  Maybe I'm too old to connect with the young women and figure out what they would want from Sisterhood.  Like I said, I feel young, but I know intellectually I'm not. On the other hand, maybe we'll do enough programs, have enough events that appeal to this younger audience that they'll see the benefit of belonging and want to get in on the planning of more programs.  Sisterhood should be reflective of our community, not be just a bunch of older women (sorry, no insult intended!) planning activities that we are interested in and just hoping will appeal to a broader group.

* Sisterhood is the women's group at our synagogue and is an affiliate of Women’s League for Conservative Judaism, the network for all women who support our mission of enhancing Jewish knowledge, engaging in Jewish life, expanding communal involvement, and supporting klal Yisrael.  

Golden

It's been so long since I've written I don't even know where to start.

Do I start with my frustrations from work or from home or from specific incidents that have happened?  Do I talk about my worries about my daughters, finances, animals, me?  Or just focus on the good things that have been going on and ignore the not-so-good?

I do know that I really and truly hate it when people tell me to "just let go of it" if I'm stressed about something.  So easy to say and I probably should in some instances let go quicker than I do, but I believe it is okay to get mad about stuff - even healthy sometimes.  And sometimes you have to work though why you were mad, were you over-reacting or was your reaction justified?  After I've done all that, then I can let go of the mad and move on.  Fortunately, it doesn't usually take me very long to go though the whole process.....the mad goes away, although I do retain hurt a while.

And there have been a bunch of things lately that have made me crazy angry...and I still feel a bit of a residual resentment floating around inside.  And I think for some of this I may have the remnants for a long time, but I do think I've moved on and the relationships are intact, at least as much as they need to be.

Do you ever feel like your feelings don't matter and other people do whatever the hell they feel like and the world says that's okay, they're the golden people who can do no wrong and so you just have to grin and bear it?  I've felt that way since the fourth grade....and I can give specific instances from the fifth grade on that prove there are two kinds of people in the world - those who can do whatever they want, right or wrong, and not only get away with it but get rewarded for it, and the rest of us, who have to actually do the work and take the consequences for what we do if it doesn't work out perfectly. It's a sad fact of life I learned young and keep getting reminded of.

I've never been in the other group, so I can't tell you for sure what it feels like to be one of the golden people.  I imagine it's....well, a non-issue.  I imagine that these people don't even know that they get away with things.  My belief is that they go through life happily oblivious to the fact that not everyone gets away with the stuff they do, that they get special treatment at all - and that they would deny it if told about it.  They're probably blissfully unaware that they're getting away with anything, they're just so used to doing what they want, it's standard practice, just the way things are.  And it's a sad fact of life that this is not going to change.

I can live with this for me.  Ron is used to my ranting, I mean venting, about stuff and life just goes on.  But I really resent it for the next generation.  It's the mama bear in me coming out.  I was never petite and cute and sweet and perky and golden.  But I resent when my daughters have to deal with the same garbage, and I don't know how to help them when these situations come up.  No, life is not fair. If you know how to explain that to a seven year old, please give me a call.

So, I'll get up tomorrow and go work and hope for the best for my day, for my daughters' days, for my husband's day.....and deal with whatever gets thrown our way, hoping it's not too much for any one person to handle until we get home and can deal with it as a family - where everyone is a golden person and gets a chance to be the one who gets away with stuff, if only for a minute.