Golden

It's been so long since I've written I don't even know where to start.

Do I start with my frustrations from work or from home or from specific incidents that have happened?  Do I talk about my worries about my daughters, finances, animals, me?  Or just focus on the good things that have been going on and ignore the not-so-good?

I do know that I really and truly hate it when people tell me to "just let go of it" if I'm stressed about something.  So easy to say and I probably should in some instances let go quicker than I do, but I believe it is okay to get mad about stuff - even healthy sometimes.  And sometimes you have to work though why you were mad, were you over-reacting or was your reaction justified?  After I've done all that, then I can let go of the mad and move on.  Fortunately, it doesn't usually take me very long to go though the whole process.....the mad goes away, although I do retain hurt a while.

And there have been a bunch of things lately that have made me crazy angry...and I still feel a bit of a residual resentment floating around inside.  And I think for some of this I may have the remnants for a long time, but I do think I've moved on and the relationships are intact, at least as much as they need to be.

Do you ever feel like your feelings don't matter and other people do whatever the hell they feel like and the world says that's okay, they're the golden people who can do no wrong and so you just have to grin and bear it?  I've felt that way since the fourth grade....and I can give specific instances from the fifth grade on that prove there are two kinds of people in the world - those who can do whatever they want, right or wrong, and not only get away with it but get rewarded for it, and the rest of us, who have to actually do the work and take the consequences for what we do if it doesn't work out perfectly. It's a sad fact of life I learned young and keep getting reminded of.

I've never been in the other group, so I can't tell you for sure what it feels like to be one of the golden people.  I imagine it's....well, a non-issue.  I imagine that these people don't even know that they get away with things.  My belief is that they go through life happily oblivious to the fact that not everyone gets away with the stuff they do, that they get special treatment at all - and that they would deny it if told about it.  They're probably blissfully unaware that they're getting away with anything, they're just so used to doing what they want, it's standard practice, just the way things are.  And it's a sad fact of life that this is not going to change.

I can live with this for me.  Ron is used to my ranting, I mean venting, about stuff and life just goes on.  But I really resent it for the next generation.  It's the mama bear in me coming out.  I was never petite and cute and sweet and perky and golden.  But I resent when my daughters have to deal with the same garbage, and I don't know how to help them when these situations come up.  No, life is not fair. If you know how to explain that to a seven year old, please give me a call.

So, I'll get up tomorrow and go work and hope for the best for my day, for my daughters' days, for my husband's day.....and deal with whatever gets thrown our way, hoping it's not too much for any one person to handle until we get home and can deal with it as a family - where everyone is a golden person and gets a chance to be the one who gets away with stuff, if only for a minute.