What Kind of Mad's in Your Wallet?

So, what I really want to know is....when you're angry, do you [1] say what you really mean because your impulse control is gone or [2] make something up in the heat of the moment that's hurtful?  I don't mean YOU, it's somewhat rhetorical.  The first gets my vote, but I'm not sure.  I think I say what I've been thinking and wanting to say but haven't had the nerve...or heart.  But I still try to not be mean or overly hurtful.  I don't think others are the same way.  And words linger forever in your mind.  I've been trying to teach the girls that - you can't un-say something.  I can't say mad long, one of my better traits, I think, but I do  stay hurt long...and I keep hearing the words said in anger over and over in my head.  And venting doesn't help.  The words are still there, chiseled into the rock of my brain.  I may not even remember what set the whole situation in motion, but the words repeat ad infinitum.

My mother would be silent when she got mad.  She always said it was better to be silent than to say something that you would later regret and be unable to take back.  So true, but not my style.  I actually don't think I know anyone else who does that.  And she did is most of the time - probably learned the hard way and chose that route.  I try to follow that rule with my daughters - to not say anything if I can help it.  They interpret things so often in ways that were other than the way it was intended - especially when they are upset.  They, however, have no difficulty saying whatever comes into their mind whenever it comes into their mind and don't understand why sometimes that may not be the best thing to do.  And they go out of their way to be hurtful - they know just what buttons to push, what words to use to inflict maximum distress.  And then, later, when they are calm, sometimes we'll get an "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it." like that's going to make everything all better and all the hurt go away and all the feelings be unhurt.  I've always taught them that they don't have to accept an apology when it is given - they have to acknowledge it, but they don't have to accept it if they feel it is not sincere or if it is not sufficient to make amends.  And they love to say "apology not accepted" especially to each other. Heaven forbid that someone else should say it to them, though.   They get totally bent out of shape and then they get mad (again) and off we go!

So we didn't get angry with Aubrey when she smashed the screen on her phone (it was an accident and she was upset).  Nor did we go out and replace the screen or phone.  She had to live with it broken and make do. And we didn't get made when she forgot the phone was in her pocket and jumped into the swimming pool.  We just gave her a bin of rice and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, the total submersion of the phone was too much for it and it completely died after its dunk.  But we still didn't rush out and get her a new phone.  Who decided that kids need phones, anyway?  I mean, we all lived without cell phones for ages, right?  And Ron and I held off on getting smartphones until I, I mean we, couldn't stand it anymore.  And Aubrey had to have a phone.  I admit, I agreed and wanted to get her a phone before she went to NYC for 10 days last year.  And she did pretty well taking care of it for a while, too.  Recently, she's been using mine when I let her....more than I really like, but what can I say?   I'm a pushover for my girl.  We did finally get Ron to agree to order her a replacement phone which should be here in a few days. Before we give it to her, we want to go over what we can limit on it.  Also, I need to remember to turn in all the BYOD forms for school.  That's Bring-Your-Own-Device for those of you who don't have kids in Florida public schools.  They've gotten big on BYOD - in fact, Devon's teacher wants the kids in her class to have them, too.  Not happening!  I'm thinking of adding insurance to this phone, though.  Wonder how much that costs?

I love it when the girls say "but it's only $70 (or however much it might be)".  Devon, being 7, thinks we can just go to the bank/ATM and put in our card and get money out.  There's nothing else involved - you have a card, you get money.  I wish!  I've tried explaining how it works to her but I think she is just stubbornly refusing to believe me.  She's certainly smart enough to understand.  After all, she (occasionally) works to earn a little extra money.  It's not so different for Ron and me.  Aubrey, on the other hand, just thinks that we should just keep shelling out to get her whatever she wants whenever she wants it with no thought whatsoever as to how it's going to be paid for - we'll pay for it.  And she definitely is old enough to understand how things work in life.  I'm not sure where she got this entitled attitude from, like we owe her and owe it to her to get her everything she wants or thinks she needs. I've tried to explain, at times, just how long I have to work, or Ron has to work, to pay for something that she just have to have that is really a want not a need. And I know that sometimes these hard decision we make don't seem to her like they were hard at all for us.  That we made the decisions lightly without consideration for her feelings, but that is never the case.  But she has somehow never grasped the concept that she is a child and I am an adult and I pay the bills for the house, the car, the food, the extras, and I get to decide what those things are.  Where we live, what groceries I buy, what the extras, if there are any, are going to be.  And there are plenty of these decisions that I agonize over because I know they girls are not going to be happy with the decision.... but I need to go with the big picture when making decisions, and not always what is going to make the girls happy for this fleeting moment.

And so, I go to work to get away from the stress of children who do not appreciate what they have (not gratitude, but appreciation and recognition).  So I do not want stress at work.  I do not want infantile tantrums.  I do not want snide comments.  I want an appreciation for what I do - and if I am not doing it to someones's satisfaction I want them to tell me in a calm, rational manner.  And I need the people around me to realize I work for a lot of people, and that each of those people has their own priorities and I need to juggle all of those.  And I need them to trust me to be able to determine my priorities in melding all of the wants and needs of everyone concerned.  It's like the kids in school say - I have 7 teachers giving me homework and each teacher thinks they're the only one and the most important one.  So, leave me alone and everything will get done by its deadline and everyone will be happy...at work at least.  And then I can get back to home being the only stress in my life.

So, Aubrey should be happy for a little while since she's getting another phone.  Her reptile business seems to be doing well and expanding.  She's part of a new dog-training 4H club that is getting started with some friends.  And even school seems to be doing okay - she doesn't have as much homework as we were expecting, which we're concerned about, but time will tell if this is truly the case.  Devon is Devon, mostly happy but with bouts of "I'm not talking to you"s mixed in. Spent the day with a friend and at dinnertime announced that she hates her.  Ah, to be seven! They'll be buddies again in a day or two.  Seems like there's always someone making her mad these days.  Fortunately, she's like me and doesn't stay mad long.  Half the time, she doesn't even remember being mad!

I guess that's a good way to be.  If you don't remember being made you can't hold a grudge, right?