Is that how I was raised? I don't recall my parents telling me they were proud of me that much....I went through life pretty much just knowing general expectations and either meeting them or not, but not hearing much either way. But Aubrey, and probably Devon, too, needs more. Maybe I needed more, I don't know. Aubrey knows the expectations, but she needs to hear when she meets them, when she exceeds them. And I vow to do a better job telling her. Not that I am going to try to do a better job - that I am going to do a better job.
Last year, Ron and I read a book called The Five Love Languages. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. It talks about how each of us has a primary method (or "language") for feeling that we are loved, and it discusses the five languages and then gives you a little test to help you determine your primary and secondary love languages. Anyhow, there is a version for kids that we read, because we have felt for a while that Aubrey doesn't really feel how much she is loved. It's a different thing to know something intellectually than to feel it. If the book could help us figure out her primary love language, we were all in favor of anything that would help us let her know how we feel about her. I read it and was no closer to an answer. And kids' love languages can change as they age, so that was no help. Tonight, I finally know definitively that Aubrey's primary language is "words of affirmation". It's my second primary language, so I definitely understand the need. But can you imagine how hard it must have been, and how much this must hurt, for her to tell me that I never tell her I'm proud of her and that I've seen positive changes in her behavior? My heart broke. What have I done to this child I love so much?
I promise to be better. I need to tell her not just that I love her but that she does make me proud. And not only for big things, but for the little things she does and is as well. It's easy to brag about stuff to other people, why is it so hard to tell the person herself? Aubrey is helping me become a better person. Isn't it the least I could do to reciprocate and to let her know that she is a good person and that I am proud of her, that she actually does lots of things right?
Why is it that we lavish praise on kids when they're little and just doing what comes naturally and then we stop when they get a little older and really need it? Oh, what a great job, you took a step! You ate your food! You played with a toy! And then all of a sudden we stop praising them for every little thing...is it school age? is it parenting magazines? Just when they probably really start to need to hear it, when things are finally starting to be a little more challenging for them. Isn't this the time we should really be letting them know that we are so very proud of what they are doing? When it's not the things that come naturally, it's everything else in life that they're learning and doing?
You know, we've always complained that she doesn't appreciate the things we do for her. When I think about the examples in the book, I now can understand that we were doing things that we thought showed her how much we love her, but it wasn't a language she understood. So we would get annoyed at what seemed like a lack of appreciation and felt like it was never enough, no matter what we did, when really, it wasn't enough - not for Aubrey. It wasn't enough because the message wasn't coming though in a way she understood. Yes, a lot of what we did she appreciated for what it was, but she didn't see that it was our way of telling her we were proud of her, that we loved her. To her, it was just stuff we did for or with her. She needs the words, to hear the actual words, to know how we feel, that she's important, that we are noticing the little changes and efforts she is making. And we need to be doubly aware that withholding the words hurts her....it's not just not telling her these things, it's actually telling her the opposite message. When we don't tell her we notice what she is doing and pleased or proud, she takes that as we're not seeing her efforts and we're not proud of her. Certainly never the message we intended!
So, starting tomorrow, I vow to let her know - in actual words - that I am proud of her for getting herself up and to school on time (Ron and I are already at work when she gets up in the morning for school). That I have noticed and am proud of her for changing her snack habits and not eating the entire snack bin in one fell swoop when she gets home from school. That she's been wearing her bike helmet each day when riding to school. For starting to care what she looks like when she goes out. For actually trying on clothes before we buy them so we know it fits and she has clothes she likes to wear. For practicing her haftorah and the blessings when I know from personal experience it's not fun and it feels like there's lots of time to learn it all! That she loves animals so much and wants to rescue them all. That, much as it's a pain, I love that she can make coherent, logical arguments for what she wants after we've told her no to try to get us to change our decisions. For so many things.
But mostly, for being Aubrey, whom I love more than life itself, and who is teaching me how to be a better person. Whose presence in my life is a gift for which I am thankful daily, and who I am always proud to claim as my daughter.
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