What Kind of Mad's in Your Wallet?

So, what I really want to know is....when you're angry, do you [1] say what you really mean because your impulse control is gone or [2] make something up in the heat of the moment that's hurtful?  I don't mean YOU, it's somewhat rhetorical.  The first gets my vote, but I'm not sure.  I think I say what I've been thinking and wanting to say but haven't had the nerve...or heart.  But I still try to not be mean or overly hurtful.  I don't think others are the same way.  And words linger forever in your mind.  I've been trying to teach the girls that - you can't un-say something.  I can't say mad long, one of my better traits, I think, but I do  stay hurt long...and I keep hearing the words said in anger over and over in my head.  And venting doesn't help.  The words are still there, chiseled into the rock of my brain.  I may not even remember what set the whole situation in motion, but the words repeat ad infinitum.

My mother would be silent when she got mad.  She always said it was better to be silent than to say something that you would later regret and be unable to take back.  So true, but not my style.  I actually don't think I know anyone else who does that.  And she did is most of the time - probably learned the hard way and chose that route.  I try to follow that rule with my daughters - to not say anything if I can help it.  They interpret things so often in ways that were other than the way it was intended - especially when they are upset.  They, however, have no difficulty saying whatever comes into their mind whenever it comes into their mind and don't understand why sometimes that may not be the best thing to do.  And they go out of their way to be hurtful - they know just what buttons to push, what words to use to inflict maximum distress.  And then, later, when they are calm, sometimes we'll get an "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean it." like that's going to make everything all better and all the hurt go away and all the feelings be unhurt.  I've always taught them that they don't have to accept an apology when it is given - they have to acknowledge it, but they don't have to accept it if they feel it is not sincere or if it is not sufficient to make amends.  And they love to say "apology not accepted" especially to each other. Heaven forbid that someone else should say it to them, though.   They get totally bent out of shape and then they get mad (again) and off we go!

So we didn't get angry with Aubrey when she smashed the screen on her phone (it was an accident and she was upset).  Nor did we go out and replace the screen or phone.  She had to live with it broken and make do. And we didn't get made when she forgot the phone was in her pocket and jumped into the swimming pool.  We just gave her a bin of rice and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, the total submersion of the phone was too much for it and it completely died after its dunk.  But we still didn't rush out and get her a new phone.  Who decided that kids need phones, anyway?  I mean, we all lived without cell phones for ages, right?  And Ron and I held off on getting smartphones until I, I mean we, couldn't stand it anymore.  And Aubrey had to have a phone.  I admit, I agreed and wanted to get her a phone before she went to NYC for 10 days last year.  And she did pretty well taking care of it for a while, too.  Recently, she's been using mine when I let her....more than I really like, but what can I say?   I'm a pushover for my girl.  We did finally get Ron to agree to order her a replacement phone which should be here in a few days. Before we give it to her, we want to go over what we can limit on it.  Also, I need to remember to turn in all the BYOD forms for school.  That's Bring-Your-Own-Device for those of you who don't have kids in Florida public schools.  They've gotten big on BYOD - in fact, Devon's teacher wants the kids in her class to have them, too.  Not happening!  I'm thinking of adding insurance to this phone, though.  Wonder how much that costs?

I love it when the girls say "but it's only $70 (or however much it might be)".  Devon, being 7, thinks we can just go to the bank/ATM and put in our card and get money out.  There's nothing else involved - you have a card, you get money.  I wish!  I've tried explaining how it works to her but I think she is just stubbornly refusing to believe me.  She's certainly smart enough to understand.  After all, she (occasionally) works to earn a little extra money.  It's not so different for Ron and me.  Aubrey, on the other hand, just thinks that we should just keep shelling out to get her whatever she wants whenever she wants it with no thought whatsoever as to how it's going to be paid for - we'll pay for it.  And she definitely is old enough to understand how things work in life.  I'm not sure where she got this entitled attitude from, like we owe her and owe it to her to get her everything she wants or thinks she needs. I've tried to explain, at times, just how long I have to work, or Ron has to work, to pay for something that she just have to have that is really a want not a need. And I know that sometimes these hard decision we make don't seem to her like they were hard at all for us.  That we made the decisions lightly without consideration for her feelings, but that is never the case.  But she has somehow never grasped the concept that she is a child and I am an adult and I pay the bills for the house, the car, the food, the extras, and I get to decide what those things are.  Where we live, what groceries I buy, what the extras, if there are any, are going to be.  And there are plenty of these decisions that I agonize over because I know they girls are not going to be happy with the decision.... but I need to go with the big picture when making decisions, and not always what is going to make the girls happy for this fleeting moment.

And so, I go to work to get away from the stress of children who do not appreciate what they have (not gratitude, but appreciation and recognition).  So I do not want stress at work.  I do not want infantile tantrums.  I do not want snide comments.  I want an appreciation for what I do - and if I am not doing it to someones's satisfaction I want them to tell me in a calm, rational manner.  And I need the people around me to realize I work for a lot of people, and that each of those people has their own priorities and I need to juggle all of those.  And I need them to trust me to be able to determine my priorities in melding all of the wants and needs of everyone concerned.  It's like the kids in school say - I have 7 teachers giving me homework and each teacher thinks they're the only one and the most important one.  So, leave me alone and everything will get done by its deadline and everyone will be happy...at work at least.  And then I can get back to home being the only stress in my life.

So, Aubrey should be happy for a little while since she's getting another phone.  Her reptile business seems to be doing well and expanding.  She's part of a new dog-training 4H club that is getting started with some friends.  And even school seems to be doing okay - she doesn't have as much homework as we were expecting, which we're concerned about, but time will tell if this is truly the case.  Devon is Devon, mostly happy but with bouts of "I'm not talking to you"s mixed in. Spent the day with a friend and at dinnertime announced that she hates her.  Ah, to be seven! They'll be buddies again in a day or two.  Seems like there's always someone making her mad these days.  Fortunately, she's like me and doesn't stay mad long.  Half the time, she doesn't even remember being mad!

I guess that's a good way to be.  If you don't remember being made you can't hold a grudge, right?

Words, or the lack thereof, can hurt

If I died tomorrow, I would forever be the voice in my daughters' heads telling them all the things they did that weren't good enough or done right or had still to do.  That stops now.  I want to be the voice they hear in their heads telling them how well they've done, how proud I am, how much they are loved. And that is what I promised Aubrey tonight, as she lay crying in bed after telling me I never tell her I'm proud of her.  Not completely true, but close enough to hurt.

Is that how I was raised?  I don't recall my parents telling me they were proud of me that much....I went through life pretty much just knowing general expectations and either meeting them or not, but not hearing much either way. But Aubrey, and probably Devon, too, needs more.  Maybe I needed more, I don't know.  Aubrey knows the expectations, but she needs to hear when she meets them, when she exceeds them.  And I vow to do a better job telling her.  Not that I am going to try to do a better job - that I am going to do a better job.

Last year, Ron and I read a book called The Five Love Languages.  If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.  It talks about how each of us has a primary method (or "language") for feeling that we are loved, and it discusses the five languages and then gives you a little test to help you determine your primary and secondary love languages.  Anyhow, there is a version for kids that we read, because we have felt for a while that Aubrey doesn't really feel how much she is loved.  It's a different thing to know something intellectually than to feel it.  If the book could help us figure out her primary love language, we were all in favor of anything that would help us let her know how we feel about her.  I read it and was no closer to an answer.  And kids' love languages can change as they age, so that was no help.  Tonight, I finally know definitively that Aubrey's primary language is "words of affirmation". It's my second primary language, so I definitely understand the need.  But can you imagine how hard it must have been, and how much this must hurt, for her to tell me that I never tell her I'm proud of her and that I've seen positive changes in her behavior?  My heart broke.  What have I done to this child I love so much?

I promise to be better.   I need to tell her not just that I love her but that she does make me proud.  And not only for big things, but for the little things she does and is as well.  It's easy to brag about stuff to other people, why is it so hard to tell the person herself?  Aubrey is helping me become a better person. Isn't it the least I could do to reciprocate and to let her know that she is a good person and that I am proud of her, that she actually does lots of things right?

Why is it that we lavish praise on kids when they're little and just doing what comes naturally and then we stop when they get a little older and really need it?  Oh, what a great job, you took a step! You ate your food!  You played with a toy!  And then all of a sudden we stop praising them for every little thing...is it school age?  is it parenting magazines?  Just when they probably really start to need to hear it, when things are finally starting to be a little more challenging for them. Isn't this the time we should really be letting them know that we are so very proud of what they are doing?  When it's not the things that come naturally, it's everything else in life that they're learning and doing?

You know, we've always complained that she doesn't appreciate the things we do for her.  When I think about the examples in the book, I now can understand that we were doing things that we thought showed her how much we love her, but it wasn't a language she understood.  So we would get annoyed at what seemed like a lack of appreciation and felt like it was never enough, no matter what we did, when really, it wasn't enough - not for Aubrey.  It wasn't enough because the message wasn't coming though in a way she understood.  Yes, a lot of what we did she appreciated for what it was, but she didn't see that it was our way of telling her we were proud of her, that we loved her.  To her, it was just stuff we did for or with her.  She needs the words, to hear the actual words, to know how we feel, that she's important, that we are noticing the little changes and efforts she is making.  And we need to be doubly aware that withholding the words hurts her....it's not just not telling her these things, it's actually telling her the opposite message. When we don't tell her we notice what she is doing and pleased or proud, she takes that as we're not seeing her efforts and we're not proud of her.  Certainly never the message we intended!

So, starting tomorrow, I vow to let her know - in actual words - that I am proud of her for getting herself up and to school on time (Ron and I are already at work when she gets up in the morning for school). That I have noticed and am proud of her for changing her snack habits and not eating the entire snack bin in one fell swoop when she gets home from school.  That she's been wearing her bike helmet each day when riding to school.  For starting to care what she looks like when she goes out. For actually trying on clothes before we buy them so we know it fits and she has clothes she likes to wear. For practicing her haftorah and the blessings when I know from personal experience it's not fun and it feels like there's lots of time to learn it all!  That she loves animals so much and wants to rescue them all. That, much as it's a pain, I love that she can make coherent, logical arguments for what she wants after we've told her no to try to get us to change our decisions.  For so many things.

But mostly, for being Aubrey, whom I love more than life itself, and who is teaching me how to be a better person.  Whose presence in my life is a gift for which I am thankful daily, and who I am always proud to claim as my daughter.