Becoming a family

I got an email the other day from cousins I don't really know.  I know their parents, we were close when I was growing up, but while distance and a myriad of reasons caused us to be distant relations, I have always had very fond memories of these cousins from my youth and look forward to seeing them whenever the opportunity arises. The email from their son, Matt, and his wife, bought back many memories, mostly happy ones, some not so.  Matt and his wife, Jamie, are hoping to adopt, and that is why they got in touch with me.


Of course, whatever Ron and I can do to help them become a family we will do.  But the email from Matt brought back so many feelings I thought were gone, or at least decently buried.  It's weird, but this is the second time recently that adoption has come to the forefront of my life.  The book club I joined at my synagogue recently read a book called The Mothers that did a great job describing what a couple goes through when they are looking to adopt.  The book was hard to read - the author got the feelings so right, even when the situations were different than what we experienced.  And now, this young couple is starting their process hoping to add a child to their lives and make their family complete.

It's weird...I never cared about having a child with my genetics - I'm actually glad most days that my daughters are not mine and Ron's biologically - too many characteristics I'm happy to not pass along.  But I wanted the experience of being pregnant.  To this day, I have moments of .... not resentment, I guess yearning is the right word, when I see a pregnant woman.  I so wanted to know what it felt like to have a life growing inside of me, the sensation of the baby moving, maternity clothes shopping ....perfectly happy to miss out on morning sickness and labor pains, though.

And for all I complain about and am frustrated by Aubrey and Devon, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.  I will always have the picture in my head of Aubrey at 2 minutes old, the first time we saw her, so beautiful and small and perfect.  And Devon was handed to me at birth, I was in the delivery room, also so beautiful and tiny and perfect...and soon to be scary.  My miracles, my daughters...my family no matter how they came to be mine.

We tried to do private adoption, as Matt and Jamie are hoping to do.  It didn't work out for us and we wound up meeting our birth mother through an agency.  But it doesn't matter how we met, she blessed us with two beautiful daughters, who have 3 brothers they see occasionally, not as often as we would like.  It's a strange extended family we have, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  The girls know that there are a lot of people who love them, starting with the woman who gave them life and then, hopefully, a better life than she could have provided.  I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her, or for any other woman who has ever placed her child for adoption.  At least our birth mother doesn't have to wonder how her kids are doing, she talks to them and sees them. And we know this is not the norm, but since when do we do anything the normal way?

I would love to help Matt and Jamie.  Parenthood isn't easy, but is it so worthwhile.....sometimes, when I'm at my wits end I ask Ron (rhetorically) "who was it who wanted kids?"  but I know it's me and I still want them and I'd be miserable without them (or is that more miserable?).

So, if you hear of any prospective birth mothers, please pass along Matt and Jamie's website as an introduction to potential parents for her unborn child.  Jamie & Matt    And know that this child will be their child in every sense of the word and in every piece of their heart, as my daughters are in mine.