Everyone has so many different sides to their personality. How do you know what the main, true one is? Is there a "true" one? I remember in grad school taking a class on group dynamics. One of the exercises we did was to determine our role in the group. Mine constantly changed, becoming whatever the group lacked, or needed. In another class, on career counseling, we took a battery of personality and career inventories, to teach us how to advise people on career paths. Highs on the batteries showed strengths or preferences, Mine were always flat lines. I began to feel like I have no personality, no interests....My grandmother would have agreed, she never understood what anybody saw in me....However, I was told that that the flat line does not mean no personality or interests, in fact it's just the opposite - lots of interests. (We won't go into the whole personality thing.)
I never fit into any groups in school. I had people I thought of as friends in each group, especially in high school, but I was never really a part of any particular one. I liked this variety, although it would have been nice to have a primary social group to hang out with. I still feel that way in some respects. No main group of friends, really. A friend here and a friend there, but not whole passel of people that I can call my own. And I would love that....it's something I envy others.
Sometimes I really long for to have someone to call and say, hey, you want go hang out for a while? or when there's an opportunity, to have a whole group of people to call and say let's go do this as a group. Never had, probably never will. I've never made friends easily, and that is something I really appreciate in my daughters - they do. Aubrey struggles with keeping them, due to a variety of issues, but she has no difficulty at all in meeting people and having them become her friend. My mother was the same way. I remember one time, when I was visiting my parents in Yuma, I went to the grocery store with my mom. The cashier said, oh, you must be Nancy! My mother just never met a stranger. Ron and I had guests at our wedding that were my mother's roommates in the hospital and at rehab - as well people from her youth. Not just did she make friends easily, she kept them. Such a gift!
And I work with someone like that, makes friends easily and keeps them....and I don't think she realizes how special that makes her and what a gift she has. I know she appreciates her friends, but it's not the same thing..... I don't know how to make small talk, and I'm always so business oriented....so I naturally feel out of the loop because I don't know the social things about people typically unless it's something that somehow comes out around work. This makes me feel boring and self-absorbed. And it's not that I don't like or care about others, I do, I just don't know how to let my guard down I guess and let people in. I think I function on a superficial level, sort of a conscious fugue state, where I'm awake but unaware of things going on around me. There but not really a part of what's going on.
Maybe it's my multiple personalities. I'm thinking of changing my name to Sybil. (You know that was all a hoax, right?) Maybe that's why I like having all the kids around - so there's activity and life in the house that I can't put there myself. And it was a quiet house tonight. Aubrey went out bike-riding since she was feeling much better after a day and a half home with some unnamed stomach ailment and Devon stayed with Isabella's family for the night. It is soooooo quiet! Even got Aubrey to bed at a reasonable hour, so maybe she won't be an Aubreymonster in the morning. The main downside to Devon sleeping over at a friend's house is my lack of bedtime loving.....I do love that and look forward to it each night. I got some good loving from Aubrey, but it's more give than take with her - she is almost 12, after all. Devon is still little and it's not embarrassing to have a mother. Aubrey can be very affectionate, but it has to be when she wants. Devon hasn't quite learned that she has that power, but that knowledge will come soon, too soon for me.
So, with Ron snoring away in our room, Aubrey asleep in her bed, and Devon at a friends, I'm sitting here alone with the cats and dog and computer, watching what I want and typing away with no one to bother me... or keep me company. Pluses and minuses, right? So, yes, I'm feeling just a little guilty about how much I enjoyed my quiet evening. . . but not so much that I don't look forward to the next one. :)
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